The Story of my Life Week 1

Greetings my lovely lamb chops!

Let me get straight to the point:  I doubt myself.  A lot.  Like, a lot.  I am in a constant state of “am I doing this right?” “Am I growing?” “Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?”  “Am I half-assing it?”

Sort answer, no, no, no, yes.

This has been a hard realization for me this week when it comes to this whole art journaling thing – I’m not doing my best.  I’m keeping up with weekly pages for Journal52, and that’s something to be proud of – sometimes having a deadline is the only thing keeping me from binge-watching Heroes instead of working.

When it comes to the art, though, I’m not FEELING it.  And it’s driving me a little batty.  Now that the studio madness is completely done (got Internet yesterday, woo!), it’s time to get my head back in the game.

As my lovely friend Heidi said this morning, “You feel like your head and heart aren’t aligned with your spirit.”  Yes.  Not exactly how I would have put it, but yes.  I probably would have added some F-bombs at the very least, but, hey, she nailed it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made some nice stuff, some stuff that makes me laugh, some stuff that pushed me over a hump technique-wise.  I just haven’t made a lot of stuff that has that spirit connection in it.  And I’ve gotten away from the things that got me to start art journaling in the first place – the Chronicles stuff.  I feel like I’m three spreads away from “Live, Laugh, Love” and that is SO not what I want my practice to be about.  In my mind, that’s like sitting in child’s pose for 30 minutes and calling it yoga.  No Bueno.

So this week I dug out the giant 2600-page dictionary that one of the lovely ladies at the library gifted to me that I’ve wanted to turn into an art journal.  I spent a day ripping out pages.  I spent two days gluing.  I now have THIS.

It’s enormous.  Like seriously enormous.  I will probably be working in this easily for the next decade.

SO BIG.

SO, needless to say, I’m not going to be doing double page spreads.  Because of the thickness, I’m going to work through it doing only the right side then, once I get to the end, I’ll flip it over and work back the other way.  Eventually.

In an effort to discover what I was missing, I started trolling through Pinterest.  I looked at journal pages.  A LOT of journal pages.  I saw pages I liked, pages I was completely ambivalent about, pages I really didn’t like, and pages I loved.  Like swoon-worthy, rapid heart beat, palms sweaty loved.  I dissected them, mentally.  I broke them down.  I tried to find the thing that really turned my crank.  I think it boils down to one thing: chaos.

I looked back through my Chronicles journal and decided the pages I really like had a lot of stuff going on.  I’m not talking about multiple layers or 47 different supplies, just a lot of STUFF.  They’re almost overwhelming at first glance.  That’s what my spirit needs.  Layers of meaning.  Not necessarily just layers of stuff.

So I started working.

Since my journal52 page was due, I started there.  The prompt was Limerick.  I found a limerick I liked and typed it.  I started making a page to sort of go with it (but not really even at all.. Hahah).  I ended up with this:

I took a picture, waited for things to dry, and then kept going.  I added things.  I covered some stuff up.  I added seemingly random doodles that only make sense to me.  I added layers of chaos.  I ended up with this:

It’s better – closer to what I want.  Not there yet, but closer.  Some detail shots:

I’ve been wanting to create some new workshops, but I have been feeling so out of touch with my own artistic vision that nothing has come of it.  I’m hoping this project will get me there.  Something needs to get me there.

I also discovered the problem with having an outside studio – when these kind of things come up, I can’t do anything about them.  I need a stash of art supplies in the house, stat.  I can’t imagine lugging this journal back and forth from the studio to the house (it won’t even fit in my bike basket.  Hah!), but I definitely need to have something there so that I can sling paint when it wants to be slung.

It’s a journey.  It’s a practice.  Like yoga.  I’m learning to be both solid and flexible.  Slowly.

Here’s the YouTube video I made of this page, should you want to take a gander:

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2 Comments

  1. Sunny

    I can so relate with most everything you said! I think we all go through the doubts. It's what has kept me from doing a book. I always tell myself, "it's all been done already…who wants to see me do it all over again?"! LOL As for lack of inspiration, I have found that when I'm not "feeling it", I have to switch gears. As in, do something completely different. If the paint is not calling to me, I sew. When I'm sick of sewing, I do ceramic. It works for me. Also. having an outside studio is a challenge for the first year! I had to duplicate a LOT of stuff so I could work in both places. It is much easier that way. I was dragging so much stuff back and forth! I loved your journal page above. Like you, chaos calls to me! LOL You are so very talented. I absolutely LOVE everything I have ever gotten from you…and even more than that, I love YOU!!! Your beautiful heart, hilarious personality and generous spirit. You rock.

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